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I'm scared that in order to go on living without you
I have to forget how to love you
and I don't know what that means for any sort of afterlife.


Today is ten months
I count them on my fingers and
They make two handfulls
All that I can carry before
Doubling back.

Does that mean anything?


Don't leave me means
Reminding myself to refer to you in the present tense


I used to imagine your funeral.

Used to imagine your death would be the mechanism by which I would wake up.

Because I loved you so much.

Some people take metal to their skin, but

I used to imagine what it would be like with someone else.

Because surely this isn’t what perfect is. Surely, it could be better, always better. 

Just a little trade off, a temporary deal, to see if that was the best the world could be.
Ungrateful cunt.


I have loved and forgotten.

10 Months
It's 14 months since I wrote this and nothing about you is finished.
He's scarred you,
but he's healed you.
Would you write him off so easily?

He's been your survival but
he's stuck needles in your
heart organ.
Would you write him off so easy?

He's been kind, he's been
kind, you've stayed.
Is that not your answer?

What is happiness to need?

Would you wash
away this blood and
(the surviv)all it connects?

You've pulled down on the stream
Taken your mouthfuls
Would you refuse to give?

Would you block such a flow
now? Your scars twisting along
your veins, form

Would your family of choice
be written by such blood?

When you feel powerless
the only card you feel
you hold is to never forgive.

Will you back out of
your promise?
Do I suck, or do the people in my life suck? Why do my relationships suck?: A memoir.

unfinished. I can't think of a proper title now so it'll take a song name.
I'm hooked up in my room, my brother's hooked up in his
He spends his days in gamer culture, I spend mine in social justice culture
We live most entirely in completely different worlds, even though there's only a wall between us
And sometimes we speak and it's in different languages.

Do you know that feeling where, you're tensed, and you don't even know you're tensed,
Until something happens and you detense, feel the relief,
Is that the constant feeling from you not being here and wanting you to be, a normalization of longing
Of waiting, and I won't even know relief until you're back.

Last year on this day I was scarring your name onto my collar bone so I wouldn't forget you, and now I'm walking through the forest to find an ocean, finding an ocean, collecting clam shells the color of bruises, I step on moss covered rocks and feel I'm pressing on someone's ribcage, and there are pine cones in the trees and yellow flowers, and the culmination of the day is my saying why the hell not and running across the river in my new wet feet.

This month is a series of goals, be kinder, more supportive, listen to the birds, don't forget the sunlight, stop drowning, stop drowning

Spring is here, there are dandelions and cherry blossoms, and it's dark green grass and gold-flicked bugs, and you're trying to do what you think is good for you, even though it hurts.

You never write anymore, you're too busy escaping the world to remake it,

and here, now is when you have to realize that you're not who you wanted to be.
my life in april
I try to edit it to make it less rough but... it's a vignette of time
John Green's The Fault In Our Stars:

"I'm in love with you," he said quietly.
"Augustus," I said.
"I am," he said. He was staring at me and I could see the corner of his eyes crinkling. "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."


I'm an amateur photographer/writer who loves browsing through all the amazing works on DA. ~:heart:

Personal Quote: If you don't have cracks you're not broken... right?

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midnightrider79 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014
Wishing you a Happy Birthday... :heart: :hug: :party: :cake: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: :happybounce: Airborne Airborne Popcorn Popcorn Popcorn Popcorn Popcorn :squee: :squee: :squee: :squee: :squee: :squee: 
nihilistic-hun Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014   Traditional Artist
Have a great birthday.   birthday cake 
fervvent Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you for the favourite (:
Cecilou-chan Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fav :aww:
cllozdemir Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013
thanks :)
o-BlueMoon-o Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2013
Thank you very much for all the faves. I really appreciate it. :aww:
fredasurgenor Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks for the :+fav:s very much appreciated.
rici66 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you for the lot of faves, i'm really glad and I highly appreciate the hours you've spent in my gallery :rose: :D
LexiDreams Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013
Your welcome. :) I was shamefully behind on my deviantwatch list.
rici66 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Me too :D
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